My Sonshine is a rainbow catcher. He finds a lot of rainbows. He is 5 years old and a very wise old soul: yes, my teacher. His quest, discovery and sharing of rainbows reminds me to always be on the look out for them too.

Last night, Sonshine and I were having a cuddle in what was once our breastfeeding chair. He started kindergarten last week and has been extra cuddly at night, like when he was a toddler, perhaps because he feels the daily physical separation. He’s doing so well adjusting to school and seems to love most things about it, while I –on the other hand– am staying insanely busy to fill the void of the missing daily sillies, giggles, and jaunts the past 5 years of him have gifted.

Our cuddle talk started, rocking gently safe within the chair we had spent so much of our life together in. We were giggling and smiling and looking deeply into each others eyes.

sonshine says, “I don’t want to die. Why does everything have to die?”

i say, “I know Sweetie, sometimes I feel scared about dying.”

sonshine: “I miss GiGi.” (GiGi is his great grandmother who passed three summers ago when he was 2.)

me: “I miss her too.”

pause

sonshine: “What does God feel like?”

me: (pausing and trying not to offer my own projections) “What do you think God feels like?”

sonshine: “All of us. He feels like all of us.”

me: pause pause pause

sonshine: “We are all God.”

me: “I love that. Yes! That feels so good to me.” (giggle cuddle squeeze.)

sonshine: “How do babies get in Mommies tummies?”

me: pause … thinking, forgetting to ask him how he thinks … scrambling a little — is this the time for full disclosure? …  umm, NO… ummmm, get creative but be honest… “Mommies and Daddies put them there.”

sonshine: quickly “How?”

me: “They have a very special love cuddle and that puts the baby in the Mommy’s tummy.”

sonshine: “I don’t want to get married when I grow up because I never want to leave you and Daddy. I miss you.”

me: pause

sonshine: thinking…. “Do sometimes people get married and live with their Mommies and Daddies?”

me: pause … hoping …. letting go … holding onto this precious moment … simultaneously “Um, well, I suppose that is possible.”

me: cuddling and holding onto my boychild with all my might …  knowing that these moments are going far more quickly than I can ever prepare for…

❤ mama becky ❤