dear ones, I want to honor the darkness today, this first day of 2017–the darkness that makes lifelight so bright. Ten years ago today we lost our twins. It was devastating. But these two little souls that were complete within me for only such a short time, were not meant to become lives that I wished and wanted, instead they came to give me an incredible gift: a blessing of life wisdom that I could only know by living through the loss my pregnancy.
We lost them on New Year’s Day–the holiday I love the most… the day so many of us celebrate collective optimism and hope, we are all rooting for our lives and each other with greater passion and possibility. The twins left me on my favorite day of the year, challenging most everything I believed about hope.
It was an experience that brought me literally to my knees. (Perhaps it is the times upon our knees that are the most significant to who we become?!)
I am sharing this with you, wishing not to cause you any pain, but because I want to honor these little souls on their 10-year anniversary and thank them for their brief stay with me. And because I want to honor the darknesses –the losses and pain–that you live with, too.
While they didn’t become children, they were something. Light. Energy. Love. Presense. Tiny miraculous gifts. Their being–and their ending– gifted me great lessons that I will carry with me as a torch in my darkness, for the rest of my life… these:
There are times in life when there are no words that can be said to reduce a person’s pain. There are times where the only thing that can be done is sacred listening, being present for someone when they grieve or carry great burden and pain is the greatest gift of friendship. No one could fix my loss. Not even the later joyful miracle of my son. It was a painful loss that happened and still, I carry their memory with me, with great love and gratitude.
They taught me to be a mindful guardian of the times when I should not say anything, but simply and deeply listen. They taught me there will be many times in life when I will not–and should not–find words to attempt to make things better for someone who is hurting… and that allowing space for not knowing what to say… space in silence… and hand holding… and hugging … and listening these are the most powerful love medicine of all.
These shimmers of light that the twins–those beautiful little beginnings… beings and endings–gave to me, helped me to take back my power of how I get to choose what I believe about this miraculous and painful world.
I honor you dear ones, and all our losses and pain. I am so sorry for the suffering us humans endure in this life… and I am grateful for it too, and to loss–my darkness–as it makes me carry a bright light with greater courage, to even share this pain –these trembling words–with you. We are not alone. Life longs to be with life, and I am here if ever you want to talk and just be heard.
I am rooting for you this 2017, and praying for our collective joy and transmutation of our suffering.
I wish all of us blessings and courage as we welcome this new year, with all its possibilities. I honor the darkness that makes the light much brighter.
with all my ❤