what am i willing to die for?

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When I think about the water protectors and the sacred work they are doing to protect the land and river and our future humans, I am inspired yet simultaneously perplexed by their willingness to die for this cause. These incredible humans are willing to be present in body, mind and spirit in prayer and peace knowing well they may be harmed by rubber bullets, concussion granades and other various human-made intentional suffering devices. They are willing to face arrest and to be crated in dog cages, to suffer and potentially die at the hands of a system and–let me remind myself–at the hands of OTHER HUMANS: A system and humans that not only devalues, disrespects and disregards their beliefs and basic needs, but intentionally inflicts horrific suffering upon them, to try to stop them.

The now thousands of mostly peaceful people in North Dakota–men, women, and children–these humans are prepared to die to stop the rape, monetization and exploitation of Mother Earth, willing to let their lives end in the name of ending the DAPL and our collective addiction to oil.

(I find it funny but not ironic that wordpress and facebook thinks monetization is misspelled, but at least it suggests “demonetization”… that is something!)

I am so grateful for their known suffering and–coincidental intentional prayerful–optimism. (I pray for the suffering to stop.) I honor our brothers and sisters in North Dakota–and all around the world–us humans who are done with the old story. Those of us who are willing to go with less of our physical desires met. I honor this complicated time we are living between stories; old story of greed and take and oppression and separateness, and the possibility of new story of sharing, giving and celebrating each other for all our unique expressions of humanity, and unity.

I don’t have answers but I am willing to go with much less (and endure intentional suffering) so my grandchildren can have enough.

I am ready to use human intention and creativity to bring in the NEW story. I want to serve (and listen, learn and love) however I can.

The Water Protectors’ tenacity, courage and conviction leads me to ask myself–and perhaps you too–: What am I willing to die for? What do I believe in so much that I would risk making my children motherless?

Perhaps until I can fully answer these questions, I am not truly living or fully alive?!

 

just thinking and questioning with you. with all my ❤
becky

beautiful death

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Dear Ones.

My heart is heavy and hurting, yet guided and fed by love these past few weeks as I have been caring for another friend who is in the dying time of his life.

What I am about to share is something I wish I had known before now. It is deeply personal, so personal I feel a responsibility as I write to you. Perhaps you know already.

While I have not yet been physically present at the exact moment of a beloved human’s passing, there are truths that have been revealed to me in time spent with dying people.

I am pulling from the essential truth of the stars–the same stuff we humans are made of–and stars are born and stars die.

I doubt I’m the first to write about this because these words feel like an eternal truth, and eternal truths are written and shared everywhere, or discovered when we live through an experience. I never came across this truth until it came through my personal experience.

Death is like birth.

Right when we are born, before we are in existence, we die a death to enter into something unknown– called birth, into human form. Life unknown to us at the time, and yet a life that becomes knowable, revealing its incredible beauty, depth and meaning to us every single breath… every moment we are alive. Birth offers everything new and we are placed in the presence of knowables.

The human meaning I choose to designate is that in Death there is a newness, a possibility of … well …. I’ll call them I don’t knowables.

Death holds similar energy as when we are about to be born. We enter an unknown where new, beautiful and meaningful knowables begin to reveal, but we don’t even know there are knowables to be known.

Ok, I think I’m starting to sound like Abbott and Costello routine, but simply I’ll say it comforts me to think that in dying and death similar pathways exist: these “don’t knowables”.

I had the privilege of being part of a caring team for my beloved friend Vonnie Hicks before he died earlier this year. (I asked him if I could write about my experience with him and he gave me his blessing.)

I remember feeling panic stricken the first moments I was alone with him, because no one had trained me, or taught me… told me what to do. I wasn’t trained or certified as a hospice worker. What happens if he dies on “my watch” I thought.

That terrifying moment reminded me of a few moments during the weeks following my children’s births. I felt the trust and expectation that life had hurled at me, beautiful gifts and opportunities that, at the time, I felt unworthy to receive.

And somehow, caring for a dying human is EXACTLY like caring for a newly born human. My time spent caring for Vonnie continues to bless me in new incredible ways, and I am eternally grateful to him for the things he taught me most especially during his dying time.

 

Another secret I have discovered is that there is such a thing as a beautiful death.

Two words you don’t often–if ever– find together.

Beautiful death.

A beautiful death is possible. A possible bookend to your beautiful birth.

There are infinite possible pathways to a realize a beautiful death.

A beautiful death is defined, embraced and determined by you. Whether it is your own death, or the imminent death of someone you love. You can choose to co-create and hold for yourself in this life you are living, the possibility and wish for a beautiful death.

You deserve nothing less than a beautiful death.

If you are with someone during their dying time, you don’t need a certification. You don’t need fancy conversations or talking points. You don’t need money. You need only your presence: The sacred gift of your presence. Just show up and simply be there with the person… or if it’s YOU, be present with yourself.

It would be wonderful if in our schooling–or the How to Be Human Manual we all get when we are born (ha!)–we ALL received a certification in death and dying learning ways to support a dying human. Basically thanks to our culture that’s not yet possible in our world. Massive fear is attached to death and dying that is hard to deny. I mean we NEVER hear about beautiful deaths on the news, do we?! In our culture death is seen as failure. What would it look like if instead of stigmatizing death and dying, we revered it as a triumph?

For now I’ll keep repeating these words and plant these little BD loveseeds and let you know and to remind myself, that just as you are breathing and sitting here reading this, a beautiful death is possible for you.  And also remind you that it is possible to be in the presence and contribute towards a beautiful dying and death of someone else, no matter how deeply you love them or how much you will miss them.

I’m not saying it is easy. Nor am I saying it is not painful. It hurts in a deeply human way. What I am suggesting is a way to be human that lets go of control to allow the inescapable to happen, while letting love flow like water filling the lonely space between you and your loved ones.

Your courage, determination and keen awareness of your intention will define what beautiful dying and death can look like.

By my definition, a beautiful death is even possible when death is not embraced by the dying person.

To me a beautiful death can happen when living people around the dying person openly accepts and honors–and evens SPEAKS out loud –that the person they love is about to die, and that this is the natural way life plays out … to end. It is so painful.  And yet it is an opportunity for greater love to come.

(Is a dying person less alive than healthy-living-me? Am I MORE alive than a dying person? I have been blessed to be with four people during their dying times and found the answers to these questions to be “no”. We are both equally living–I am just much less aware of my own death experience than the dying person.)

To me beautiful dying is possible when I show up and answer only one question:

How can I be love in this moment? How can I reduce any kind of suffering around the dying person, either in him or her (shim) OR in the hurting people around us? (Ok, that was two questions… but the second one was born of the first!)

If I can painfully and lovingly look at my dying friend and see shim there, and also see myself lying there dying, it is beautiful dying because it honors the inevitable. The fact that both my friend AND I will die… shim maybe today… me who knows when (only the shadow knows!)?! But –to borrow from some brilliant writer who I can’t remember– neither of us are getting out of this life alive.

When a loved one dies, part of what is possible for us dies too. A part of me died when my dear friend Vonnie died earlier this year. He died and with him so did the possible me that would have been witnessed by him.

And in the same air and energy, as I continue to live on, a part of my dear friend Vonnie lives on in me. For real.

Vonnie lives on in my storytelling. In my photos. His facebook page. In me and my children’s memories and sharing. In our intentions. In conversations I still have with him (although rather one sided) and stories I make up as if he was still here… Because he is still here, just in a different way.

Now today, as I’m with another friend who is in the last days of his life this week, I wonder: Even though when I am with him, the actions I take are all done to honor him, perhaps what I do or how I feel around my dying friend is more to do with me than he?

I realized in caring for Vonnie–and as I have been part of the raising of my three children–that my time in this life is to be spent seeking out opportunities to reduce suffering and put my love on situations and people. I have so much to learn about how to live this way, but now every choice I make leads me to try to see where the suffering is (in myself, in my friends, in “strangers”) and investigate what I can do to reduce it.

With Vonnie sometimes it was simply to lift the cup of water to his mouth. To wash his hands in a basin of warm soapy sweet scented water. To hold his hand. To lift his leg. To move his pillow. To pull up his sock. To help him sit up. To help him lay back.

To care and love for his wife (which is never hard as I love her so!). To listen to other friends visiting and hear their words and not react with my own wordy and emotion-fueled response, but to respond with deep listening, and choose my words and actions from a place of love, not striving to fix anything. With space and presence. Hugs and holding. Frozen cocacolas. To drop my preconceived ideas about dying and be open to receive some eternal truths that death and dying have waiting for me and each one of us to one day explore. To receive our birthright knowables about death.

Being with a dying person is a sacred opportunity… a gift. I am profoundly grateful to have my heart broken and more deeply activated by the deaths and my dying loved ones. I am not summoning this as something I want, but I know it will come one day. I won’t ever choose their deaths, but when time comes I hope my heart and hands can hold the space for the beautiful death they deserve.

I am grateful for my thoughts and feelings giving words to tell you this story, with the hopes that I offer seeds to you for a more powerful expectation as the time comes for you to tend someone, and as you one day attend your own.

Beautiful dying. Beautiful death.

Lift the cup. Stroke the hair. Smell and share the flower.

To be present is enough.

Now my dear friends, where have you found beauty in death and dying? What similarities (if any) have you discovered between birth and death? Have you seen a beautiful death? I bow to you, whatever your experience, and thank you for sharing this painful and beautiful life together.

all my love from my newly aching-and ever-broken heart,
❤ becky

sentient beeing (a photo, a poem, a moment)

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sentient beeing
by becky jaine (witness, historian & histologist)

she was in my garden yesterday.
beauty bee.
i found her and realized she… she was barely moving at all.

bee present.
she remained upon the flower
clinging to the center of a magically scented and ever-sweet mandala.

she came and stayed, hanging onto otherly beauty and life
while she was losing her own.
bee sage.

pollen adorning her legs,
material proof of duty well done on her last day.

she strengthened her grip and grabbed hold of the floral stamen
enabling –allowing– me to witness and capture her few last living moments.

i wept (and still i weep now as i tell you)
i weep for her:
this unassuming humble non bumble
intentional pollinator sentient beeing.

blessed buddha bee.

we have a choice

♥ (To engage your senses and your heart even further, click play and listen while you read my post.) ♥

Dear Powerful You,

Us humans are an amazing possibility. Moment by moment, day by day, month by month (you get the picture), we each make choices, be they conscious or automatic, we choose over and over and over how to use our life energy.

We each have a choice about what and/or to whom we dedicate our presence.  (By presence I also mean attention, focus … our being-ness.) We choose how we live our lives, what we contribute to our community, how we respond to people; known and unknown. We choose ideas and thoughts that become our beliefs, and our beliefs animate our bodies and fill our lives. No other person, no amount of money, nothing but YOU YOU YOU (that beautiful complete entity/soul/being/thingamajig that lives in your powerful body and uses that amazing heart to keep on keeping on) get to determine how you will use this precious life.

About 25 years ago I made what I thought was in informed choice to step away from my creative art-filled life, into a life with a lot of learning from yearning. I regret nothing and I take responsibility for the choices I made. The choices were mine. I allowed others’ opinions to shape and design my life. Through yearning, I lived and earned my life wisdom.

Eight years ago an illness consumed my body so completely, it disrupted the course of my life. My body captured my total attention. I lived with tremendous physical pain, perplexing a fleet of doctors. I became obsessed with naming what was wrong with me. I spent countless hours scouring the internet looking for answers, hours and hours reading peer-reviewed medical journals and books, trying to find a name–a reason– for my physical suffering. I believed that naming my illness would lead me to a cure. I chose time away from people I loved to search for answers and to fill my awareness with my quest … time I cannot get back. I lament this fact but I do not regret.

My physical suffering broke me into many pieces. I was unrecognizable to those who loved me, and even sadder, I became unrecognizable to myself. Everything I thought and believed about the world was tarnished. I was alive but somehow no longer living my life.

I died a little every day. I still do. (Think about it, we ALL do.)  It’s sad but true. On the days when I allow myself to really feel others’ suffering, I die a little more than the day before.

About six years ago–at the height of my pain and suffering–something remarkable happened to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’ve come to see what happened to me as my awakening. (Eww, I don’t intend that to sound as ostentatious as it reads.)  Before this moment I was carelessly spending my life away on the same thoughts/ideas I’d had the days before. I wasn’t thinking about contributing towards a better world, nor did I believe that what I did in my own life necessarily impacted the world. I was solely in my reptilian brain, focused on and fighting for my physical survival.

Scientists are unable to agree how many trillion cells comprise each human body but their estimates are impressive, ranging from 37.2 trillion to 70 trillion.

Given that almost factoid, I like to say that within each of us there are a GAZILLION cells existing to position our bodies where our intention moves us: A goal, a purpose, eating a USDA sustainably, humanely grown grass-fed beef cheeseburger. However many cells we have, we each have one will, one spirit, one inner voice to guide us to make choices that make us feel validated, loved, and alive.

Isn’t that what we all want, to feel love and experience life?

For about 2 years I felt like half of my cells were destroying the very idea of me. It was beyond miserable. That remarkable thing that happened? I was hurting in my body so much, something shifted.  My OWN suffering paused for a brief moment and in that space I projected my attention outside my own body and considered the countless other people in the world who were simultaneously suffering with me in that very moment.

I recognized that so many more people in the world were suffering greater than I. People were suffering from pain they and did not have a nice warm, comfy bed to lay in. People were suffering and they didn’t have access to food and water. People were suffering, outside of me.

This moment and notion made me weep. Before I was crying for myself, but when I thought of the countless others around the world suffering worse than I, well, it was truly intolerable.

In that moment, I woke up, abruptly, and even though I felt some sort of entitlement or birthright to my own misery and suffering, I recognized that I had a choice about how I could spend my energy.

I came to realize that it didn’t really matter the name of my illness, but what mattered was where and how I spent my life, my energy–my chi– on a daily basis.

I decided to stop focusing on own suffering–to the best of my ability. I committed to put my two carpal-tunnel-ridden hands towards offsetting others’ suffering, somehow. I didn’t know HOW, but I was determined to use my energy and whatever amount of time I had to serve others and give of my abilities and talents to help reduce others’ pain.

I was no longer afraid to die. I had become fiercely afraid of not living the life I had. I decided to respond to the needs and vulnerabilities in my immediate community, using the gifts and talents doing activities I enjoy, with kindness in my center.

Today I continue to recognize I have a choice: I strive to choose kindness. There’s no right or wrong, but awareness of this choice is the gift.

You have a choice. What do you choose?

I’m grateful to you, dear reader, for spending a moment of your precious life reading about mine.

I’m also grateful for my suffering: Suffering led–and continues to lead–me out of myself and into a world of kindness, ultimately a life filled with more JOY.

(This post is humbly dedicated to the choices of Nelson Mandela.)
in metta
♡ ♥  becky ♡ ♥
P.S. Want to know why I chose this song? I played it at the very first Sacred Women’s Kindness Circle nearly 3 years ago. Ben Harper with Jack Johnson, With My Own Two Hands. So good I have to post it again.